Monday, May 8, 2017

When You Gotta Go - 75 to GO

I was giving a talk do elementary school kids about Ironman triathlon.
I was talking about how the 112 mile bike section takes and the inevitable came up
"What do you do if you have to go to the bathroom when you're on the bike?"
I told the class of 5th graders point blank,
"You have three choices; you pee on the bike, you get off the bike to pee or you wait and pee later."
"What if you, you know have to..."
"Make a poop?"

So we are dealing with two issues:
First, what to do when have to pee?
Some athletes will just go while they're on the bike.
(Sounds disgusting)
Others will pull off to the side of the road and find a bush.
(Sounds less disgusting)
I tried to pee once on the bike, but in the bent over position on the bike, nothing happened.

(Why didn't you straighten up?)
I did & I still couldn't pee.
(What did you do?)
I chose option 3, I waited til later, in the changing tent after I finished the bike.
(You peed in a tent?)
There was a urinal in the tent.
(What if know?)
Need to "make poo" as my 5 year old calls it?
(Yeah, that)
There are porta-potty at several points on the course.
(Have you ever, during a race ?)
The 24 hours before a race is a carefully choreographed food fest. This dance between my food & my plumbing takes place "any time" I compete in a triathlon, not just Ironman triathlons.
By 5pm Saturday the almost non stop calorie in take will result in your question becoming a non factor the next day on the race course.
So by Ironman Louisville 2014, I had done this successfully over 40 times.
(But on that race morning...)
Nothing, nada, no word from the plumbing.
Until we heard, "Swimmers, line up".
Thats when my plumbing said, "Now."
"Now?" I asked myself in bewilderment
"NOW!" A voice came back with a Satan like growl.
(What did you do?)
I lined up for the porta-potty.
(Long line?)
Two minutes felt like two hours, as I stood there in fear.
(That you wouldn't make it to the race? )
That I wouldn't make it to the toilet.

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